Why, Lord, do we not Love?

As I sit here tonight looking at the cross i have on my wall, (called the agonizing cross which can be found here: http://www.preciousbloodinternational.com/store/products.php?cat=8 ) i say a prayer to God posed in the form of a question, "Why do I not love you as I want?"  If I were married or even just dating and in love with someone, I know how I would act and what I would do.  I would make time for that person, even when I would rather watch TV or play some video game, or have a Cigar or whatever.  My mind would be unable to go any real amount of time without thinking of her.  I would dress a certain way, act a certain way, live a certain way all because of this person.  When I am asked about way I act in this way or that I would simply and happily say, "I am in Love".  Actually, I would not have to say anything...people do not ask such things when we are in Love with another.  Why then do we not do any of these things with Jesus?  Why when asked about our differences in action and dress saying that we are in Love is not good enough, we must explain ourselves so as not to seem ridiculous or simple minded.  Why do I speed through my prayers and time with Jesus so I can go and do really nothing at all?  When I really think about it, TV is not reality, not my Xbox, or much else this world has to offer...or at least it is of a lesser reality...and yet I cannot wait for Mass or the Liturgy of the Hours to be over so i can resume my "medication" of entertainment.  I can fell deep inside this great desire to seek only Jesus, to be filled only by him and not seek the world, yet I still run to my endless distraction of ...nothingness.  Then I wonder why I feel so down or confused or under attack.  Yes, my education and my reason tell me all about original sin, concupiscence, the World, the Flesh, and the Devil.  Yet, why does it seem like so many others, such as the saints, find relaying on God and trusting in him so easy?  How is it that loving him comes to natural to them? I know it is not just because i do not see him physically...I do not see my family half the time i still love them.  Sometimes it feels as though no matter how much i offer up, no matter how much I pray, or do I can never get to where I trust and love Jesus.  Then again...maybe that is the point?  Maybe I am the problem? Maybe I am not the one who needs to do anything at all?  What I am getting at is I get in my own way, in place of letting Jesus love me, I keep trying to get him to Love me, to accomplish something and then get a reward...in other words..I struggle to get past conditional Love.  If I do, or say, of achieve certain goals or objectives then i gain his love, and in turn am a saint.  Yet, it does not work that way, and it is easy to forget. It is easy to not forgive one’s self or others, when one is stuck in this thinking.  It is easy to feel shame as well because it is truly never enough, when there was nothing I had to do the be enough anyway, God already and me enough.  This is not to say we do not have to act on our faith...being Catholics means faith and works.  Just that even in our works it is our Abba moving in us and though he asks us to act, there is nothing we can do to "earn" Love, or holiness.  Holiness is not based upon our actions, it is how deeply we fall in Love with Jesus, and then from that, action flows forth...not the other way around.  So, in our daily lives, in the seemingly mundane, in the washing of dishes, clothes, and taking care of others, in the prayers we sometimes rush through there is the path to holiness.  Not because we do these things in order to gain some reward, but because we desire to grow closer to God.  Action without the desire for God is empty and is wasted.  Sometimes the greatest prayer we can say is that one that comes straight from the heart which does not say anything more than "why do I not love you more, teach me to Love in all that i do and say."